The Importance of Connection: My Mother’s Gift to Me

by Linda Aber

My beloved mother, Leatrice Lazarus recently passed away. She was small in stature with an exceptional nurturing heart, which influenced her parenting style. The goal of this article is to inspire and transform parent’s attitudes about their children and themselves. My intent is to pass along the experiences I learned from her, which in retrospect is a testament for all parents.

My mother touched so many lives. For the numerous Learning Disabilities Association families and members who knew and loved her, she will be truly missed. For 12 years she happily volunteered for our LDAQ chapter by sitting behind the table welcoming participants at our public information meetings and folding/stuffing flyers into envelopes for our numerous mailings. She loved to participate with families, encouraging and hugging the numerous children, teens and parents who she encountered in our social skills, parent groups and her favourite, our bowling parties.

She shared her relentless belief that all children, especially those with ADHD and LD, have great qualities and need to hear about them. She trusted in each child’s potential and enlightened parents that children require love, understanding, time and positivity. Her approval of children was obvious and judging by the hugs she accumulated as they entered our group room, they sensed her acceptance as well. She knew how to connect, it was within her and she believed it lay within all parents.

The pain and sadness of her loss and the joys of being her daughter exemplify how grateful and appreciative I am to have had her as my mother. I am comforted and strengthened by the countless treasured memories of our times together and how she positively influenced my life. I am more thankful by the revelation of her sacred gift to me, our connection.

The connection she fostered when I was young remained consistent throughout my life, and has impacted on who I am today. Her hand was the very first one I reached for, taking my first steps and that same guiding, reassuring hand remained present and extended, encouraging and strengthening me throughout my life’s journeys. My mother’s unconditional love, gentle eyes, distinctive smile and positive phrases, made even a cloudy day for me gradually disappear.

She understood the importance of connection and knew that connecting, a function of reciprocal communication, does not reside in the child alone. It begins with the parent who fosters and expands the connective process. When I analyse my mother’s parenting, we rarely experienced a disconnect and if any occurred, she quickly repaired it, with a hug and a recognition of my qualities. Reflecting back on the pivotal role my mother played in my life, I now recognize that she practiced The Nurtured Heart Approach without even knowing it.

All children and especially ours with ADHD and LD, experience cloudy days, due to low self esteem, academic, social and emotional difficulties. These children carry more uncertainty and less hope manoeuvring through their daily tasks and our connection is essential now more than ever for their wellbeing.

Countless hours spent arguing, yelling or punishing children only results in disconnect making the relationship that much harder to repair. When family life becomes chaotic in continuous sad, angry, turbulent states of disconnect, parents must learn valuable skills to refuel and facilitate reparation, reestablishing closeness in their relationship.

Children need nourishment from the inside out, making them stronger and better able to handle life’s challenges. According to psychologist Howard Glasser, creator of The Nurtured Heart Approach, children “need a real inheritance - not monetary wealth, but inner wealth.”

In his book, All Children Flourishing, Glasser reveals, “ inner wealth enables children to use good judgment, make good choices, resist exploitation, choose good partners and friends, cope with adversity, take risks and find courage and love. When a child resides in the realm of inner wealth, he has the equivalent of a GPS guidance system that represents the hand that’s always present, gently tweaking the direction of his life in a positive route."

The Nurtured Heart Approach is not just another “positive” parenting method created to only improve behaviour. It is so much more. It develops inner wealth by recognizing and appreciating the unique qualities that children possess, and holding up a mirror clearly reflecting their success. Parents have an enormous effect on children by the quality of connection, energy and language they provide in every moment and this is the message I share with parents as a Nurtured Heart practitioner.

This proactive method empowers parents by utilizing relationship language. Short, energized, specific, and positive messages are delivered directly from the heart of the parent into the heart of their child. Instead of merely talking about values, Glasser recommends that parents “teach them experientially, framing a lesson of values in the context of the child’s experience. Children need irrefutable evidence, in the present moment, that they are being successful, exemplifying their great values.”

• “David, I appreciate that you helped the older woman cross the street. That was great thoughtfulness and compassion.”
• “Paul, I appreciate the great judgement you used in choosing not to hurt your sister’s feelings when she asked for help. You were very supportive and considerate.”
• Tommy, I like the way you’re handling your strong feelings and not being aggressive even though you are angry. That is true strength and self control.”

When parents point out ways in which their children are expressing qualities like kindness, honesty, courage, self-control and responsibility, backed up by truth in the present moment, their hearts immediately respond. Parents have just introduced them to who they really are. They blossom like exquisite flowers, unfolding every petal, revealing their inner beauty to us, themselves and others.

Children become convinced of their greatness and successes through the parent who sees it, believes it and cleverly creates it. Without knowing, my mother was truly a nurtured heart parent whose ever present hand shaped my GPS guidance system. Her recognition and admiration of my qualities, fortified me from the inside out allowing me to blossom. I feel eternally grateful and blessed. She was a safe, nurturing harbour that sustained me in both joyful and difficult times. Her remarkable gift to me was our unique, irreplaceable connection and in the end, that is a parent’s greatest legacy.