By Linda Aber & MA, Psychotherapist, Sheila Ostroff

 

The many hats women wear in this day and age may be difficult for some to juggle (mother, wife, career woman, household organizer...etc. The list goes on).  This balancing act may be especially difficult for moms with ADD.  ADD can present as mild, moderate or severe.  In mild to moderate cases, some women are able to manage the demands of daily life until they become mothers. For others, their coping abilities do not appear to collapse until baby number two comes along.

Women are required to function in multiple roles at the same time while raising children. They must deal with constant, unpredictable interruptions and function with little structure, support or encouragement.  Not only must they keep themselves on track, they are also responsible for acting as scheduler for their children and perhaps their mate.

Along with their kids, ADD moms struggle with their own impulsivity, distractibility and disorganization, creating a complex dilemma. Statistics say that up to 35 percent of all children with ADD have one or more parents with the same diagnosis.  That is why it is crucial for moms to find tools, emphasize the positives, and retain a sense of optimism and humour— especially when ADD seems to loom from all sides. It is crucial to embrace the unique aspects of ADD, such as being creative, "outside-the-box" thinkers, imbued with playfulness, spontaneity and sensitivity. Moms with ADD can get the support they need through medication, support groups, coaching, and other means as they help and guide their children.

Some important points to bear in mind are:

• It is essential to have realistic expectations for both yourself and your children.
• Realize, as a mom grappling with ADD (and perhaps as a mother or mate of someone with ADD) that there are unique differences and special challenges that lay ahead.
• Acquire ADD knowledge, strategies and systems that will help you avoid feeling overwhelmed, anxious and negative.

Create systems to stay on track:
Give yourself and your child downtime before starting homework. Give positive feedback and validation during the homework process.
Keep clutter to a minimum, making sure chores get completed. One example is to use large bins to organize materials and to simplify cleaning.

• Write everything down. Anything can be forgotten or overlooked by any member of the family—phone messages, to-do lists, appointments— information should go into a notebook or PDA. Date every entry.
• Keep paper and pen beside every phone in the house.
• Maintain a family schedule. Use a large wall calendar, color-coded for each family member and display it in a common area. All family members who are old enough to do so should post their own appointments, due dates, and so on. The more children are involved in the scheduling process, the more likely they are to stay on track.
• Create a morning ritual for the kids, so each child knows exactly what they should do, such as: Put on clothes, eat breakfast, brush teeth, and so on. If your child has trouble remembering, create a poster that illustrates what to do and in what order. If your child takes medication, consider waking him up early and giving him his pill in bed, then letting him go back to sleep for a half  hour.
• Get up 30 minutes before your child. Use the time to pack his backpack, and so on to prevent last-minute crises. If you're an evening person, do these chores before going to bed.
• Be consistent about mealtimes. (including weekend meals). You may have to vary mealtimes to accommodate sports events and other activities, but do your best to keep mealtimes consistent.
• Prepare lunches the day before.
• Enlist your spouse or another non-ADD person to help with housework, homework, babysitting, and so on.
• Take a "time out" to refuel yourself when feeling overwhelmed.

Create Systems for Discipline
Give positive feedback frequently. “When you share your toys, I feel proud, because I see the generous person you are.” or “When you start your homework, I feel excited, because we’ll get to do other things together.” Preventative discipline such as offering feedback for good behaviour will encourage repetition of that desired behaviour.

• Be liberal with compliments. Remind your child of his strengths, and do your best to "catch him being good" (completing homework, picking up toys, and so on). When you do catch him, offer praise. ADD kids hear enough negative comments outside the home.
• Explain your expectations, by using a charting system. If your child fails to comply, s/he does not earn a privilege.
• As much as possible, allow your child a say in the rules that govern her behaviour. Children come up with consequences that are stricter than those their parents would consider appropriate.
• Pick your battles wisely; be flexible and not afraid to let some things go.
• Be consistent as possible
• Maintain a united front, making sure you and your spouse agree on matters of discipline. Don’t give mixed messages.
• Eliminate negative self-talk. If you complain about your own ADD, your children will pick this up and apply it to themselves. Stay optimistic, and focus on your positive aspects.
• Figure out what works for your family and stick with that.

Create Systems for School
Stay in the loop. Communicate with the teacher via a notebook that gets sent home each afternoon in your child's backpack. Another great way to communicate is e-mail. Establish a routine of e-mailing four questions to the teacher once a week.

• Establish a homework routine.
• Set up a reminder system.
• Prepare for parent-teacher conferences. Make a list of all the topics you'd like to discuss.
• Talk with teachers early in the school year. Explain the challenges facing your family, and bring a list of ways the school can help.

Children with ADD thrive on organization, structure, and consistency throughout the school year. They need reminders and support to finish their homework, to get to school on time, to keep their impulses in check. The same applies to ADD moms. Transitions are difficult. Find ways to keepyour stress levels down. The greatest gifts to give yourself and your children are acceptance, understanding, patience and unconditional love.